meggie

hey-o!

I am lazy and unmotivated, but ridiculously happy:) I have been blowing off school to hang out with my friends a lot lately and I am starting to lag in my classes. oh well:) It seriously is ridiculous that I can be this happy for such a long period of time. I hope all of you guys are doing fabulously as well!

I am being a lazy bum though. I have to start volunteering again and doing some good for the world. Habitat for Humanity anybody? Yeah..I didnt think so. It's fun though. Hmm...I know the happy entries always get on peoples nerves so I'll wrap it up. My mom told me that if George W. wins this election that we will be moving to Canada. I am scared. She sounded really serious. Canada is cold. Brr..

Have a Wonderful Day!!!

To resist is to piss in the wind
Anyone who does will end up smelling
Knowing this, why do I defy?
Because my inner voice is yelling
There is a fist pressing against anyone who thinks something compelling
Our intuit we're taught to deny
And our soul we're told is for selling

-i love incubus

Anyhoo, it is bloody chilly in my house. Me and Katherine just got back from the junior high. I can't remember why we had to go there, but whatever it was, we forgot about it. We ended up hanging out with our old teachers. Mr. Oraskovitch and I had a nice conversation about what a -ist dumbass Mr. Moon is. It was quite entertaining. Mr. O. is so cool. I miss him. Then we snuck into Mr. Nelson's room and wrote all over his board. Stuff like: Don't kill the animals and Mr. Nelson is short and mean. Then he came in and acted all indignant, but he was laughing.

Yup, yup, yup. Life isn't perfect, but it's good. I think I subconsciously like getting a little melancholy and pessimistic every once in a while because thats when I do my best writing. Not in here, but in general. I've been talking a lot with both of my parents lately and it's crazy to actually realize that they are people with emotions just as real and important as mine. I know it sounds stupid that I'm just coming to terms with this, but how many of you actually take your parents lives and feelings into consideration when they are being unfair? I admit, a lot of parents are jackasses, mine are sometimes, but in truth, so am I. Not intentionally, but yeah. My hand is in danger of freezing to the keyboard, but I'm going to try to write more on a regular basis.

.peace.

I cant write
I cant think
Words turn into him
Words turn into her
She tried to kill herself last night by drinking a bottle of aspirin
I cant speak to the one person I have genuine feelings for
I cant speak
The room is empty
My mind wants to be
Sleeping forever seems so appealing
Drifting away to nothingness
My best friend is a bitch
My parents hate each other
I was a mistake
Everything was a mistake
My head aches
My eyes swell
I couldn’t say hi.
Tears fall
I make noise
But never speak
I never speak
I cry
I stumble
I shiver
Nothings wrong
Nothings right
I’m alone

sorry, that was all completely random junk in my head. its not a poem, so dont try to read it like a poem. something just happened. its all my fault. i want to do it over. i can't. why can't i just be true? why can't i speak?

I am Thankful for:

*My crazy family
*My crazzy friends
*potatoes
*Tofurky
*Possums
*candy canes
*Incubus
*blink
*Mr. Roger's Neighborhood
*peace

This Thanksgiving was suprisingly fun. Me and Rooth started out the day with a little thrift shopping. I got a hella cool mini hot pink leopard print dress and The Smiths tape. Rooth got five thousand sweaters. She likes sweaters. After that, we cooked. And cooked. Both my mom and Rooth are professional chefs, so they tore up the kitchen while I cleaned and set the table and deocrated in my anti-Martha Stewart way, with multi colored christmas lights all over everything. i got a little carried away, but it turned out pretty. my grandma, my aunt, my uncle, and my cousins came from St. Paul and we all ate ten thousand pounds of food. i love food. then we played telephone, charades, and bop-it. OKay, you have to understand that my family is very nearly clinically insane. here are some excerpts from our game of charades:

"mower knee mower!!!"-my mom trying to guess "finding nemo"

"the wizard and? the wizard it? the wizard of...the wizard of..of??"-my mom try to guess "the wizard of oz"

"Pen and Stinky? Hen and Stinky?"-my uncle trying to get "Ren and Stimpy"

Anyways, it was a good night, full of potatoes, tofu, lefse, and laughter. If I ever seem whiny of bitchy, I am sorry, I am really happy. I am truly thankful.

I've had enough of stupid love songs. I've had enough of new crushes. Of eyes filled with hope and twinkling with happiness that will soon disinegrate and be replaced by angry glares and tear stained cheeks. I'm sick of adolescance and back stabbing best friends. I'm sick of being let down. Please don't let me down.

hm..things havent really been good or bad lately. they have just been the way they are. i fell for a guy..but so did my friend and i had to go by my "friends first" policy..which sucks sometimes..but whatever, i'll live. some friendships have been falling apart and i feel too tired to try to keep them together. blah..i have to get my stuff together and stop just letting things happen. its just so weird, all of the sudden everyone started talking behind everyone else's back and stabbing each other from the front and from behind. its starting to rub off on me and i dont like the person i'm turning into. i'm pretending to be something i'm not, and what i'm pretending to be changes with whoever i hang out with. i was having dinner with my great aunt and uncle form montana tonight and i had to pretend to be all well mannered and wonderful as they bashed the "freaks" they had been seeing everywhere. it made me sick. my friends introduce me to new people and i am automatically self conscious. i'm not "cool" enough. people make me feel bad about being shy or quiet, but why do they care? if i have nothing to say, i say nothing. isnt it better to listen instead of saying totally random shit that no one cares about? i am just sick of being fake. i want to be real.

well, tomorrow me and melissa are raiding the thrift stores in mankato. fun fun. then Enrique is coming down from minneapolis. i havent seen him in forever. apparently he's turned into a jock stud. haha..i love him, i hope he hasn't changed too much. we're supposed to help my mom put siding on the shed, but maybe we can hang out afterwards..i wonder if he has his license..ugh, i have to get up for breakfast with the gossip queens tomorrow. have a wonderful day! *hugs not drugs*

a small creature found its way into our basement to die in peace, either that or it was smashed by an unsteady pile of paint cans. i hope it died in peace and i hope it was happy. our house now smells like decaying flesh. i feel sick and unsteady. i took a sip of water this afternoon and started choking. i blacked out alone in my house that smells like death. i woke up feeling cold and alone. i am alright now..another person just called all cheerful and optimistic and in love...i need to go wash away the smell of death, the sight of the old tree lying like a fallen soldier across the street, the sound of the ambulances whizzing by, the shouts of my mother and the coldness that has slipped over my insides.

my first day of highschool was okay, i guess. i got to see all my friends, i got lost, i got hit on by some random guy, saved a bat (the furry kind that fly) and i dazed out in science and slipped off of my stool:) the funniest part of my day was when i stumbled out the house without any coffee and melissa's dad ran at me and yelled "first day of highschool!" and snapped my picture. he's cool:)
i stayed at my sister's this weekend and we hung out with my dad in minneapolis. i went to the state fair for the first time in my life. me and my dad snarfed cheese curds and mini donuts and cheered for this tiny little boy at the skate park. he was awesome. then we went to the milk truck...and drank lots of milk..good times. then my dad made out with a horse..an actual horse..it was disturbing, but funny:)
i met "the right guy" this weekend...but he is the very wrong guy. his name is cory. he lives in minneapolis, he is a member of the green party, he loves music as much as i do and he is freakin hot. i was playing my guitar and he offered to tune it for me and then he sang me a song. yeah...it was cool. then the age bomb. 19. then my sister butted in and told him i was 14 and to get the hell away from her little sister. it sucked. mm..food is done. adios amigo/as
*hugs not drugs* and *peace on earth*

um...i'm not good at being mean. i'm not good at telling people when i am pissed. apparently i need to release my anger, not repress it:P so here is my angry list of people and things that should go fuck themselves:)
fuck **** for having a girlfriend
fuck my brother and sister for being partiers and teaching my mother that she needs to "be my mother not my friend"
fuck george dubya bush.
fuck expensive concert tickets
fuck mean people who are total bitches to my friends (not mentioning names)
fuck school!
fuck...i guess i'm running out of anger...um..fuck..money and people who have lots of it...unless they are nice..er..um..yeah..

lalala..thanks for listening to my anger and sorry for the language:)
have a wonderful night!!

It’s 7:30 in the morning. I’m awake. What’s wrong with this picture? I woke up confused and wondering why the hell my head was beeping. Alarm clock. 5:15. *sigh* I love ya Mary, but never again.

I had a frappachino so I wouldn’t die…or cause someone else to die, by say, a sharp hit to the head with a flag…but, when I got home, I couldn’t get back to sleep so I climbed out on the roof and just watched the morning. At first, I thought I had stepped into a horror movie or something, all these old people started parking around my house. They all drove white, maroon, or those weird silver-gray-gold cars. They all got out of their matching cars, grabbed their oversized lunch boxes and examined their horrible parking jobs. One guy actually re-parked his car three times. I watched them file into a building across the street, their pleated pants all at different levels of full body consumption, before I realized there must be some after-retirement work office in one of those buildings…this is why I don’t get up early, I talk about old people…but I did learn one thing; there's nothing like seeing an old woman hobble to work at seven in the morning, alone, to realize life really isn’t fair.

Hmm…Melissa gets home today! I’m happy in a very sleepy way. My mom went to San Francisco yesterday. She was rushing out the door and I was making her a peanut butter sandwich for the plane and we were both so distracted that I forgot to give her a hug…both my parents are on vacation and I’m stuck in Waseca…I need to get out of this town before school starts…

p.s. the server is down because only the clinically insane are awake right now…so I’ll post this later.

Hey there, I am so horrible at writing in journals in general and having people read them makes it even worse. But, whatever, screw it, I’ll try. It’s 2:30 in the morning…I am home alone and I am trying really hard not to freak myself out. My computer won’t let me go on msn and I need something to take my mind off of the scary things swimming around in my head…like how my dog can see ghosts and how she keeps staring off into blank space and following something with her eyes. *shudders* anyways, I have been practicing my guitar like crazy lately, and I am finally making progress. Melissa left today…and I am already going through withdrawals…It’s so weird to not have someone call me at least 5 times a day. I am missing my friends who live far away…I hate when friendships drift. Sarah and DanI are out in the country, Ruby is in Ireland, Sarah is in Mpls, Melissa is in Mass., and I never see Amanda anymore. Blah. Guys: unless you count 17 year old Jewish guys who live in Minneapolis, my romance life sucks right now. As Monico says, “You’re hot, fun, and single, enjoy it!”…but, that gets old pretty fast, and he can’t talk, he has a boyfriend. I need to go for a run, but I am too scared to go outside when there’s no one inside to keep me safe. Blah, I need to toughen up:P I should start pumping iron or maybe Blake can show me some tae kwon do or something. That’d be fun. Well, my computer is being satan, I finished my book, and Michael Moore is a little too cynical for me at the moment…what to do? Maybe I’ll go draw…Good Night!

copy and save. say it with me now: copy and save! argh. anyways, today was really weird. everyone was having a bad day, and it seems that is the job of all my friends to tell each other how to live their lives. i was getting so frustrated with everybody today, especially levi. well, i brought that problem on myself. i was the one who told him to just go for it and ask melissa out. that doesnt really help the fact that he is sooo annoying!!! quote of the day: "hey, you can't eat peanut butter!"-levi "why?"-me "because it has butter in it!"-levi *shakes heads and muffles laughter* "dorkus, peanut butter doesnt actually have butter in it."-me....that is how levi is. he always tries to piss people off. i don't know why, i hate having people be mad at me, but he seems to enjoy it...apparently, my style is getting too riskay for my mother's taste. the first time she said that, i laughed, because she said riskay, and face it, thats just funny. but she kept saying it "you're sending people the wrong impression." honestly, i don't care what people think of me. oh my gosh! they dont know what to think of how i dress? oh, i better go change into a simple abercrombie tube top, because then i will be normal, skanky, and therefore more acceptable to small town suburbanites...ugh. ah, that felt good to whine for a second there. on the happy side of life, today was beautiful and warm and i saw a butterfly! i saw my new born puppy (Sven!) on Saturday! he was soo cute and tiny, his eyes weren't even open yet! okies, i bettter go eat. peace love hugs and a pack of giant crayons for everyone!!! ~meggie